The universal Croatian declaration of home improvement independence
“What do you mean, ‘call a professional’? I have hands, don’t I?”
Every Croatian household in Australia operates under one fundamental principle: if it’s broken, we can fix it. If it’s not broken, we can probably improve it. And if we break it whilst trying to improve it… well, that’s what YouTube tutorials are for.
The Croatian DIY Starter Pack
Essential items found in every Croatian garage:
– One rusty toolbox inherited from father/uncle/neighbour from the old country
– Enough WD-40 to lubricate a small aircraft
– Duct tape (the Croatian solution to everything since 1975)
– A collection of screws and bolts “that might come in handy one day”
– Wire coat hangers (the Croatian multi-tool)
– At least three broken appliances “for spare parts”
Famous Last Words of Croatian DIY Masters
“Don’t worry, I’ve seen this done before.” – Translation: I watched someone do something vaguely similar on a building site in Dubrovnik in 1987.
“It’s just like the one I fixed back home.” – Reality check: The one back home was held together with prayer and determination, and it still didn’t work properly.
“How hard can it be?” – Narrator: It was, in fact, very hard.
“I don’t need instructions – it’s obvious.” – Famous last words before flooding the bathroom and/or causing a neighbourhood blackout.
The Croatian Problem-Solving Method
Step 1: Examine the problem whilst making “hmm” sounds and stroking chin thoughtfully.
Step 2: Declare confidently: “Ovo nije problem!” (This is not a problem!)
Step 3: Attempt to fix it using whatever tools happen to be within arm’s reach.
Step 4: When initial attempt fails, apply more force. If that doesn’t work, apply even more force.
Step 5: Call the problem “Australian engineering” and compare it unfavourably to ‘cro-home-made’ products.
Step 6: Retreat to kitchen for coffee and tactical planning session.
Step 7: Return with renewed confidence and a bigger hammer.
Step 8: Eventually achieve something that technically works, even if it doesn’t look quite right.
Things Croatians Will Attempt to Fix Themselves
Leaky taps (with a spanner and unshakeable optimism)
Electrical outlets (because “electricity is just electrons, how complicated can it be?”)
Car engines (armed with WD-40 and childhood memories)
Roof tiles (because “I’m not afraid of heights”)
Broken marriages (though success rate varies)
Things Croatians Will Reluctantly Call Professionals For
Nothing. We’ll find a way.
Well, maybe brain surgery. Maybe.
The Croatian Toolbox Philosophy
“This screwdriver can be a hammer if you hold it right.”
Every tool in a Croatian toolbox serves at least three purposes. A butter knife becomes a screwdriver. A screwdriver becomes a chisel. A chisel becomes a can opener. It’s like Swiss Army knife thinking, but with more creative cursing.
International Recognition of Croatian DIY Skills
Australian neighbours: “You should really call someone for that…”
Croatian response: “I AM someone!”
Building inspector: “This doesn’t meet Australian standards.”
Croatian comeback: “It meets Croatian standards, and we built half of Europe!”
The Croatian DIY Success Metrics
Partial Success: It works, but makes a strange noise.
Complete Success: It works silently, but looks like modern art.
Croatian Perfect: It works exactly as intended, plus it has three additional features nobody asked for.
Emergency Backup Plans
When all else fails, Croatian DIY masters have three reliable fallback options:
1. Call the cousin who “knows about these things”
2. Blame the problem on inferior Australian materials
3. Declare the broken item “vintage” and leave it as is
The Croatian DIY Legacy
Father to son: “Remember, we don’t pay people to do what we can do ourselves.”
Son: “But Dad, what if we don’t know how to do it?”
Father: “Then we learn. That’s what Croatians do.”
Modern Croatian DIY Evolution
Today’s Croatian-Australian DIY masters have adapted to the digital age:
– YouTube University degrees in everything
– WhatsApp groups for crowdsourcing solutions
– Google Translate for reading Australian building codes
– Online tool purchases justified as “investments in self-reliance”
The Ultimate Croatian DIY Motto
“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing yourself. If it’s worth doing yourself, it’s worth overdoing with excessive enthusiasm and questionable technique.”
Because at the end of the day, whether the job takes three hours or three weekends, whether it requires one trip to Bunnings or seventeen, whether it meets building codes or simply meets Croatian standards of “good enough” – we did it ourselves.
And that, my friends, is worth more than any professional invoice.
**Disclaimer:** This guide is for entertainment purposes only. Croatian DIY methods may not comply with local building codes, marriage vows, or laws of physics. Attempt at your own risk, and maybe warn the neighbours first.
